As I reflect on the events of the past twelve months, I recognize the ways in which people let me down, and honestly how much I let myself down, the goals that were set that have to be pushed back, reevaluated and removed, I think I may be a little depressed…
I am not rock-bottom depressed but it is definitely one of those hard time getting up in the morning, hard time going to bed at night, feeling hard pressed on every side depression. I think every time my phone rings, it is someone that wants something. If they do not want anything, the phone doesn’t ring. (Now, there are a few exceptions to this…which is why as of late, those exceptions have been the only ones I have talked to).
My parents were not an incredibly active part of my life. While I did live with both at varying times, I didn’t have a good model nor was I held accountable for anything. I think I turned out pretty good, but as 30 approaches (one more year to go), part of me looks at my peers relationally, professionally and financially and I feel like whatever “it” is that has helped them to achieve success, I simply don’t have it.
Whether it is discipline, drive to be successful, whatever, it simply isn’t in me. I am content to go to work and work hard or watch movies all day (not every day, but some days). I feel like I am going crazy because the one area where I am the most mature is spiritually, and that appears to be irrelevant. Jesus is important, but not as important as professional progress or financial management or something else.
I know what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are and I feel a round peck being jammed repeatedly into a square whole. It’s like taking a car and using it like it is a garage. The trunk has storage capacity, but it is not a storage unit. I feel like a car, full of stuff, and completely in park. I cannot find the keys and I am operating on fumes.
I have dreams and ideas that I want to accomplish, goals that require discipline and I want to step up to the plate and knock them out of the park…there’s just one problem. Everyone around me has these enormous expectations of who they think I am, will be or should be, without having one conversation with me. When I say, that’s not who God has shaped me to be nor to I believe he is leading me in that direction, I am branded immature, undisciplined. I am hard pressed on every side.
On top of all of that, this is my fear: hurting people deeply. I know what I want and how I want it done. However, to lead in that means people will be hurt. I don’t think they have to be, but I haven’t seen someone lead well, love well and not accomplish their dreams without crushing people in their path. I am pastor. I care for sheep. I cannot use them, willingly hurt them, never crush them. And there’s a catch: to break into the world of conquerors and go-getters, you almost have to be hard, unyielding and mean to be accepted.
Or at least, this has been my perception and experience up to this point…
Yet, God is faithful. Paul said, after you have done everything…Stand.
I am trying to stand. I want to stand. But my legs are weak. My strength is fading. I need Jesus. I need a Joshua, too.
Luckily, there is a time and a season for everything under the sun…and this too, shall pass…