Well, it’s that time again. Summer is here and women no longer wear clothing in Texas. Love is in the air and we have started a new series at my church this past Sunday on singles, dating and relationships. It was absolutely amazing. Pastor talked about the current generation’s definition of dating, the pleasures of it and the consequences that have left so many broken. It really has me thinking…and please leave comments as I really am curious as to what people think. I’d like to present to main views with strengths and challenges.
There appears to be two views right now among:
View A – Abstain from sex until you are married.
This group of people have made a conscious, disciplined—sometimes painful—choice to choose to not have sex (again in some cases) until they are married. It appears in many ways that this is the life that God calls us to as singles. There are all the passages that deal with fleeing from illegal booty (sexual immorality in the NIV). Self-control is listed as one of the fruits of the spirit, or evidence that God is at work in your life.
Strengths: Honor God with your body. Honor your future spouse with your body now. Model for Christians and pre-Christians what honoring your body for God looks like.
Challenges: However—and this just my opinion and observation of myself and friends over the years—there seems to be a bit of sexual frustration with this view. People with View A, without a continuous godly and faith-filled hope and perspective, tend to become bitter with every passing day, month and year they remain single, especially if the people around them are “getting some” and don’t feel the least bit guilty or convicted. Abstinence is the high road, but if you catch them on a weak day, the fall is tremendous.
Plus, over a period of time, without a true love, dependence and faith in God, View A leads people to be very judgmental (and sometimes secretly jealous) of the people with View B.
View B – Have sex now.
This group tends to be more on the side of get all the sex you want and/or if it happens, it happens. “I’m not tripping. God knows my heart. Nobody is perfect.” While the Scriptures speak clearly about the fact that sex outside of marriage is a sin, the culture in music, movies and just about everything else is saturated with sex. (View B is not for people that are struggling but scheduling sex. Not having a bad day, but planning a bad day. In other words, this is not the people who are trying to not have sex, but the people who are having married sex as singles with no intention of stopping.)
Strengths: Not sexually frustrated—as you are having sex. Essentially, you get what you want and lean into the grace of God.
Challenges: It is not the life that God calls us as Christians to. It gives ammunition to the world that Christians say one thing and then do something else. Christians with View B live beneath the level of their faith and have an open door to disobey God whenever you choose.
All that being said, my question is, what do we do as Christians? I know so many people with both views listed above. So many people that do honor God and live for Him and struggle occasionally and get back up. It just seems as though we are moving towards the perspective that sex outside of marriage is ok.
If you abstain from it, good for you! If you don’t, that’s ok because so few people actually are. God knows your heart. We are under grace.
I just wonder if anyone else out there really is trying to not touch anyone else until they get married.
Sean’s Take
Most people know I openly share out my past and me losing my virginity before I became a Christian and the commit I made to not have sex again until I got married. I haven’t been perfect at all but I haven’t had sex since 2004. As 30 approaches, I will be honest, it is getting harder to stay strong. Don’t get me wrong. I am much stronger today than ever. God has truly kept me all this time and not me myself. But there are times when I feel like Cain in Genesis 4 “Sin is crouching at your door. It desires to have you but you must master it.” What has kept me truly going is looking at the multiple divorces of both my parents and pockets of my family; the women I have dated that are shocked to this day that we didn’t sleep together; and honestly because as much as I believe in grace, I am simply afraid of God—in a holy way. I really do believe that obedience is better than sacrifice. I am going the distance. The next woman I sleep with will be my wife. That’s the commitment I want to make keep to her, God and my future children.
How about you?
Sean M. Watkins 
As with anything that God has spoken to us by way of commandment or statute, you have to really put in effort to carry it out…being able to practice abstinence is by no means easy..but like my grandmother used to tell me ” anything worth having is worth working for” and the last time i check “having” God is worth working for! The question that i have for people is this,when it comes to God,why is that the only thing that people “try” to do something…when it comes to the world(or carnal things) people just “do” they dont “try”…Honestly its because of statements like “God knows my heart,” and “thank God for grace,” that make people feel as if they have found some magical loop hole to squeeze through….Psalms 119:11 says,”Thy word have I hid in mine heart, that I might not sin against thee.” now is this saying that if you have Gods word in you that your not gonna stumble, of course not..but there is a HUGE difference between falling in a pool and taking a running leaping cannonball into a pool every chance you get….the word also says in Romans 6:1 “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound?”…..In closing, i dont believe that a christian (christ like) can claim that they truly love God and wanna live according to His purpose and call on their life if they willingly walk in sin, more importantly they might wanna check and see if they really belong to Him!!!
OK so here are my thoughts. I am mainly with the Type A people for the mere fact that I have been abstaining from sex for about the same amount of time and believe that everyone should until they get married. BUT I am not bitter and haven’t had to battle that though I will admit that the whole “holding out for ‘the one'” can make one weary especially when the world is so sexually driven. I think what has helped me over the years is reminding myself that this is a way that I can honor God and be an example to my baby sister and women around me. Yes I made the mistake of losing my virginity young and that is due to a bunch of “i don’t have time to say” events but I’ve been restored and am learning to truly walk in that.
Now you had me on the “Sean” explanation until you made the statement “If not, there’s grace.” because that puts you, to me, smack dab in the middle of the very 2 points you were making. I see you as the dash between A (-) B. Now not trying to insult you but it’s what came to mind. That very phrase is what leaves a crack open for the very thing we don’t want to happen, well, to happen. We already know grace is something that God has thankfully put in place for us when we need it but why would we put that along with a declaration? It’s like saying ” For better or for worse,” but when worse happens then what? Do we rethink the vows made before God because it is absolutley THE WORST thing that could happen? It’s like getting married but keeping your ex-girls number in your phone “just in case.” These are a bit extreme example wise but hopefully you get my point. You, we, have to take into consideration what doors we leave open when we remind ourselves of grace. Did you say it as “i know i plan to do this but if i don’t make it …” or are you merely stating a fact along with your opinion?
Good point. Definitely wasn’t trying to play the get out of jail card there. I am not having sex until I get married, but I am reminded of Paul’s words that if you think you are standing that you do not fall. That was all I meant. I have learned to keep that pledge to God by walking in grace daily. I see it as, “Not going to happen. Working and resting in Jesus that it doesn’t.” But also realizing I don’t think anyone sets out to fall. People fall when they get too confident that they won’t. Hopefully this makes sense.
In the past, I put so much pressure on myself to make sure it didn’t happen, I “surprised” myself back in 03 and 04. Now, it’s a walk of faith and grace daily. Faith that I am loved no matter what, that where sin increases grace will increase even more…but, like I said, I don’t plan on cashing that check anymore.
Huh. I was going to wait until tomorrow to post this, but seeing that I’m still up….
When I was single, I remember the struggle to not have sex being very hard, so much so that I resolved that if it didn’t happen by the time I was 30, I would find a male friend I was comfortable with “just to get it over with”, I would be so frustrated. I had to put my trust in God day after day…and some days were better than others.
Now that I am married, I had expected that all of that sexual frustration would go away. Not true. I am rather surprised at temptations that crop up from time to time. It’s true that I now have my husband, but I have to keep a strong hold on my fantasy life (which isn’t easy for a fiction writer). I’ve found myself falling back to God’s abundant grace that I cultivated back in my single life. When such temptations come, I have to remind myself of the vow I made and the love I hold towards God and my husband. And again…some days are better than others. It helps that I have a loving partner who’s just as fallible as I–so we hold each other accountable. But that there is part of an intimate relationship, which I believe God can bring about through deep friendship as well as the marriage bond.